[IBT作文] TOEFL iBT Independent Writing Section- Oct 29th

sunhaonan

Do you agree or disagree:Renewable sources of energy (sun, water, wind) can replace fossil fuels such as gas, coal?
Introduction
Although human beings use traditional fossil fuels a lot, renewable fuels will be more beneficial for our lives. Moreover, traditional fossils fuels trend to be limited after hundreds of year; renewable fuels have been considered more and more significantly by all over the world since the beginning of 20th century. I absolutely agree It seems clear that fossil fuels will be instead used of renewable energy because of being that they are environmentally friendly, cause less pollution, and have an unlimited supply.

Body I [Environmentally friendly]
First of all, the global warming phenomenon is being considered by scientists. According to the Discovery reference, the green house effect is caused by the excessive output of CO2, on the other words, the paramount reason is that coal and natural gas is overusing being overused in manufacturing areas, producing areas and in a normal human being's life in the past. Although traditional sources of energy are close necessary to human being life, they are making the environment of humans being worse than before. Regrettably, human beings should do not focus more on the usage of new energy as possible much as we they could.
Body II [Cause less pollution]
In addition, Renewable fuels have much less pollution than fossil fuels. For example, a solar panel produces no waste, whereas a coal plant contributes many tons of waste, especially in the atmosphere. Although toxic chemicals are used to produce solar panels, they are minimal in comparison than to a coal plant. Clearly, this renewable fuel is much healthier than fossil fuels.
Body III [have an unlimited supply]
Last but not least, renewable energy will solve the essential issue problem-the limited supply of energy. The traditional energy will be exhausted soon or later, according to scientist’s prediction. As we is known, traditional normal resources such as coal, wood and gas are given as gift by the earth. The form of them must be waiting for produced over hundred of years, even thousand of years. Although the traditional energy is not limited recently, they will be limited in the future. Luckily, the renewable energy can and will replace the traditional energy under the unlimited condition.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the benefits of using renewable energy are more than traditional energy’s in many ways such as the improvement of environment, the decrease of air pollution and the unlimited supply of its form. It is a fact that the renewable energy replaces the traditional energy and makes the life of human beings better.

Additional Example
For example, neon lights are shining the whole night in some metropolis so that they exhausted the electric power which was exchanged by burning coal.

更改于 Dec 3rd 2006 by Roger
注：1. 被下划线的字符，应该删去。
      2. 红色的部分，为增添，修改或者替换的部分。


Hey Guys:
最近写了一篇TOEFL iBT的文章，题目出现在今天十月二十九日的考试中， 希望大家可以帮我修改一下。


Roger

[ 本帖最后由 sunhaonan 于 2006-12-3 14:03 编辑 ]

sunhaonan

zhan wei zhi

Holsety

lz比我牛很多.我只提一个问题:题目问的是能不能,而lz只是比较了好不好.这两个应该不能等同吧.
个人意见~

tracy24

Do you agree or disagree:Renewable sources of energy (sun, water, wind) can replace fossil fuels such as gas, coal?
Introduction
Although human being use traditional fossil fuels a lot, renewable fuels will be more beneficial for out lives. Moreover, traditional fossils fuels trend to be limited after hundreds of year; renewable fuels have been considered more and more significantly by all over the world since the beginning of 20th century. I absolutely agree that fossil fuels will be instead of renewable energy 1.because of environmentally friendly, cause less pollution, and have an unlimited supply.

Body I [Environmentally friendly]
First of all, Global warm phenomenon 2. is being considered by scientists. According to the Discovery reference, 3.the Green house cause by the excessive output of CO2, on the other words, the paramount reason is that coal and natural gas is overusing in manufacture 4.area, producing area and normal human being life in the past. Although traditional sources of energy are close to human being life, they are making the environment of human being worse than before. Regrettably, human being 5.should be focus more on the usage of new energy as possible as we could.
Body II [Cause less pollution]
In addition, Renewable fuels have much less pollution than fossil fuels. For example, a solar panel produces no waste, whereas coal plant contributes many tons of waste, 6.especially in the atmosphere. Although toxic chemicals are used to produce solar panels, 7.they are minimal in comparison than a coal plant. Clearly, this renewable fuel is much more environmentally friendly.
Body III [have an unlimited supply]
Last but not least, renewable energy will 8.solve the essential issue-the limited supply of energy. The traditional energy will be exhausted soon or later, according to scientist’s prediction. As we known, traditional normal resources such as coal, wood and gas are given as gift by earth. The form of them must be waiting for hundred of years, even thousand of years. Although the traditional energy was not limited recently, they would be limited in the future. Luckily, the renewable energy can and will replace the traditional energy under the unlimited condition.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the benefits of using renewable energy are more than traditional energy’s in many ways such as the improvement of environment, the decrease of air pollution and the unlimited supply of form. It is fact that the renewable energy replaces the traditional energy and makes the life of human being better.

Additional Example
For example, neon lights are shining the whole night in some metropolis so that they exhausted the electric power which was exchanged by exhausting the coal.

从整篇文章来看，LZ的支持论点就一个：保护环境问题，但是你确在结尾写出这句话，感觉不是很合适：In conclusion, the benefits of using renewable energy are more than traditional energy’s in many ways such as the improvement of environment, the decrease of air pollution and the unlimited supply of form.

作者的水平应该处于中级，属于爬升阶段，好多句子有些罗嗦，把英语的表达复杂话，估计是汉语翻译英语的原因，好在中式英语不严重。

总的说来，应该得分在20分以上。

有些地方希望LZ注意：
I absolutely agree that fossil fuels will be instead of renewable energy 1.because of environmentally friendly, cause less pollution, and have an unlimited supply.
红色的地方有语法错误，主要问题在have an unlimited supply.

2. is being 建议用完成式。

3.the Green house cause 语法错误

4.area用复数

5.should be focus 不应该是被动吧？？

6.especially in the atmosphere省略该句

7.they are minimal in comparison than a coal plant没见过这样的用法

8.solve the essential issue单词用法错误，solve problem...

sunhaonan

Hey Tracy 24

Thanks a lot!

谢谢你给我的建议，这篇文章发表后，我重新检查语法的时候，也发现了问题1，问题3和问题5。

我会把文章进行修改一下的。

我确实正在北美学习英语，这篇文章我会在拿给我的老师进行修改一下，让这篇文章编入作文机警。

其实，希望得到你更多地意见，例如文章结构，所用词汇，论点与论据的关心，段与段之间的衔接等。

最近希望和你多联系一些，也希望你有时间的话可以多来这里，我觉得自己积累和学习了一段时间的，应该是释放一下了，所以我计划在未来的1周内每天写一篇文章，题目就是TOEFL iBT中出现过的，希望你可以多给我一些意见和建议。



Have a good day!

Roger

[ 本帖最后由 sunhaonan 于 2006-12-2 10:40 编辑 ]

tracy24

原帖由 sunhaonan 于 2006-12-3 02:33 发表
Hey Tracy 24

Thanks a lot!

谢谢你给我的建议，这篇文章发表后，我重新检查语法的时候，也发现了问题1，问题3和问题5。

我会把文章进行修改一下的。

我确实正在北美学习英语，这篇文章我会在拿给我 ...

我也是在北美。在太傻讨论英语是我的职责兼兴趣。

我是本版和新托福考试版的版主，每天都在TS。

有任何问题可以发新贴大家讨论－只要不是灌水就好。如果有私人问题请短信给我，就在我的签名档里。

Augustine315

悲剧 写成这样才20分 我还考啥