请帮忙改下作文,并给予评分,很想知道大致的得分

lz以后把文章直接帖出来～
Many people attribute success only to hard work, they think that luck, surely can not assist a person to be successful.However ,as far as I am concered, luck ,indeed, is a crucial factor for paving the road to success.
Sometimes just working hard cannot lead to success if one lacks luck.There are numerous examples that can be used as proof.The scientist Newton created(并非创造而是discover） the famous theory after he saw the（an） apple falling down. Suppose the apple did not fall down at that moment,then Newton would not have the opportunity to see it.How could he think of why the apple would fall down?How could he discover the famous theory?（lz的这个例子我觉得不是很好．．．）If just working hard in the lab,Newton may not reach such acchivement . To tell the truth,only under these circumstances,Newton can be succeed in the theory.In gerneral ,luck can improve the chance of one’s success.
Furthermore,Sometimes luck is essential to success .There is a case in point,two applicants compete for the same job,it is difficult to choose between them because both of them are outstanding.At this time luck can bring two totally different future to the two applicants ,maybe the person who obtains the job just because he is lucky.We cannot say that the one who fails is not working hard,but the truth is that luck virtually help（s） the person to be successful.The competition of the society is so fierce and there are so many excellent person（people） who all work hard .why some person success while others don not?We can not deny luck is one of the factors that arise the consequence.
At some circumstances,we don not need work hard, but we can success only if we are lucky（这个有点过分了）.For example ,some person do not strive for success,just because they were born in a millionnaire's family（老美也不喜欢看这个吧．．．） ,then they can gain the best education which will help them to be successful.Maybe some one who works mucher harder than him cannot obtain the same acchivement as he.How can we account this phenomenon? It is certainly that due to luck.（这段删了吧．．．）
I have stressed the luck's role to the success,but I look at it this way:surely luck has something to do with success.However,it does not mean that one’s success just because he is lucky（语病） ,if he do not work hard,he will not gaize（？） the opportunitity,then he will not succeed as well.In fact,luck is important to one’s success,just working hard is not enough.However at the same time ,if we do not work hard,only rely on luck,success will not come either.（结尾有些罗嗦）
我能提供的有用信息有限，lz莫怪．
打分靠Jimmy吧

[ 本帖最后由 Holsety 于 2006-12-26 17:47 编辑 ]

先给Holsety敬个礼
1号审阅完毕，2号接力。
我想说, ,Holsety的风格一直都是很风趣幽默的，赞一个。

Many people attribute success only to hard work, they think that luck, surely can not assist a person这种表达，不行 to be successful.However ,as far as I am concered, luck ,indeed, is a crucial factor for paving the road to success.
用pave the way for. 不是pave the way to.

Sometimes just working hard cannot lead (lead to 的主语呢？) to success if one lacks luck.There are numerous examples that can be used as proof. 可以说很多的事情可以用作例子，但是不能说例子可以用做证据 The scientist Newton created(并非创造而是discover） the famous theory after he saw the（an） apple falling down. Suppose the apple did not fall down at that moment,then前面有suppose， Newton would not have the opportunity to see it.How could he think of why the apple would fall down?How could he discover the famous theory?（lz的这个例子我觉得不是很好．．．我也觉得不好，你这只是一种假设，而不是一个真正的example.）If just working hard in the lab,Newton may not reach such acchivement . To tell the truth口语，慎用,only under these circumstances,Newton can be succeed in the theory.In gerneral ,luck can improve the chance 这不合常理of one’s success.
这一段的论证不是很成功

Furthermore,Sometimes luck is essential to success .There is a case in point,two applicants 竞争的话用candidates compete for the same多余 job,it is difficult to choose between them because both of them are outstanding.At this time luck can bring two totally different future to the two applicants ,maybe the person who obtains the job just because he is lucky.We cannot say that the one who fails is not working hard,but the truth is that luck virtually help（s） the person to be successful.The competition of the society is so fierce and there are so many excellent person（people） who all work hard .why some person success while others don not?We can not deny luck is one of the factors that arise the consequence.
这段的例子，是对人才任免制度的一种不负责任的说法 。不完全是因为运气。


At some circumstances查查这个词的用法,we don not need work hard, but we can success only if we are lucky（这个有点过分了）.For example ,some person do not strive for success,just because they were born in a millionnaire's family（老美也不喜欢看这个吧．．．） ,then they can gain the best education which will help them to be successful.Maybe some one who works mucher harder than him cannot obtain the same acchivement as he.How can we account this phenomenon? It is certainly that due to luck.（这段删了吧．．．）这一段的例子是在不公平的前提下提出的(美国人不喜欢)，不能成为论据。
I have stressed the luck's role to the success,but I look at it this way:surely luck has something to do with success.However,it does not mean that one’s success just because he is lucky（语病） ,if he do not work hard,he will not gaize（？） the opportunitity,then he will not succeed as well.In fact,luck is important to one’s success,just working hard is not enough.However at the same time ,if we do not work hard,only rely on luck,success will not come either.（结尾有些罗嗦）


你有权质疑Holsety, Jimmy或者其他傻友的评论

You can be better!

[ 本帖最后由 benz2015 于 2006-12-27 01:26 编辑 ]

我修改后的如下：

Many people attribute success only to hard work, they think that luck, surely can not assist a person to be successful. However ,as far as I am concerned, luck, indeed, is a crucial factor for paving the road to success.

Sometimes just working hard cannot lead to success if one lacks luck. (There are numerous examples that can be used as proof.只给出了一个example,这一句就没有必要) We often use the word ‘genius’ to praise a success. Thomas A. Edison said: " Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration. " For example, the scientist Newton established (created) the famous theory after he saw a apple falling down. Suppose the apple did not fall down at that moment, then Newton would not have the opportunity to see it. How could he think of why the apple would fall down? How could he established (discover，创立理论，好像是用establish) the famous theory? If just working hard in the lab, Newton may not reach such achievement. It is the luck that make Newton establish the theory, otherwise we may wait more years, some other lucky person establish the theory in some lucky day.  In general, luck can add (improve,机会好像不用improve) the chance of one’s success.

Furthermore,Sometimes luck is essential to success .In poor western mountain areas of our country,there are many students who wark hard to study. But Because there are not enough money to afford them to pursue higher education, They face missing the chance of admitted to university. Our country has established “Hope Project” to help them. Some students are luck who gain the help, they succeed in entering university, and they may gain more success after they graduate. But there are still some students who don’t gain the help, they have missed the chance of higher education. It is more much difficult for them to succeed in future than for those who accept higher education. Even more, for most of them, it is impossible to succeed. Let’s engage in “Hope Project”, help more poor students to accept higher education. Let “Hope Project ” bring more poor students luck.

I have stressed the luck's role to the success, but I look at it this way:surely luck has something to do with success. However, it does not mean that one would succeed if only he is lucky. if he do not work hard, he will not take (gaize，抓住机会用take) the opportunity （opportunitity） of success, then he will not succeed as well. In fact, luck is important to one’s success, just working hard is not enough. However at the same time, if we do not work hard, only rely on luck, success will not come either.

评注：结构还可以，第二段和第三段的观点也还行，但是说明不够。第三段的例子不够好，换了一个例子。第四段对结论没有帮助，删除。