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[IBT作文] 新托福作文(已批注)

新托福作文(已批注)

Topic:是否同意:现在人们过度关注APPEARENCE AND FASHION?

The impact of appearance and fashion has had on our daily life, and on society in general, is undeniable. After all, we live in a world where fashion is accumulated by multiplying and at the same time appearance become more and more in need in some cases. However, it seems that people nowadays become overreacted on their appearance and fashion. The reason for my view goes as follows.

First of all, too much time have been taken for pursuing fashion and appearance. A recent survey points out that white-collar spends 4 hours, in average, each day on their appearances and searching the fashion information. The power of mess media continues to grow and people take the fashion information anywhere anytime, it turns out that the more people enjoying the more they imitating and it involved in their spending one-sixth of a day on their appearances and pursuing fashion.

Moreover, too much money have been taken for pursuing fashion and appearance . All too often we observe that people, especially girls, spend most of their salaries on new clothes and cosmetics. A friend of mine, who is a freshman, spends even two-third of her money on her appearance and pursuing fashion. In addition, in the past years, I heard numerous people say that they are the devotees of the Godness of beauty and fashion; I saw people spend lots of money on purchasing fashion magazines and buying whatever makes them look better. These activities, in essence, are a kind of overreaction on their appearance and the fashion.

Finally, people tend to be more and more focusing on others appearance. It is no doubt that people are the victims of circumstances and surroundings, therefore, it is nature for them to desire people around them could have a good appearance and seen comfortably. However, it seems that people have overreacted on this point. For instance, when judging someone, many people do not believe that the pinnacle of exceptional stands on the several pillars like health, honest, industry, kind-hearted, they point out that the appearance is the most involved aspect. So widespread the belief is, as though they irrespective of all other merits. Exceptional goes to those on whom beauty smiles and defeat to those she frowns, or at least appearance is regarded as a vital factor for person.

In conclusion, we have admitted that people have already overreacted on the appearance and pursuing fashion. It is high time that we take measures on this phenomenon, make the information of appearance and fashion just as a role of amusement, experience and relaxation.



[ 本帖最后由 ZOE.COOPER 于 2007-1-3 11:39 编辑 ]

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The impact of appearance and fashion has had on our daily life, and on society in general, is undeniable. After all, we live in a world where fashion is accumulated by multiplying and at the same time when/ as appearance become more and more in need in some cases. However, it seems that people nowadays become overreacted on their appearance and fashion. The reason for my view goes as follows.

First of all, too much time have been taken for pursuing fashion and appearance. A recent survey points out that white-collar spends 4 hours, in average, each day on their appearances and searching the fashion information. The power of mess media continues to grow and people take the fashion information anywhere and anytime, it turns out that the more people enjoying the more they imitating and it involved in their spending one-sixth of a day on their appearances and pursuing fashion.

Moreover, too much money have been taken for pursuing fashion and appearance . All too often we observe that people, especially girls, spend most of their salaries on new clothes and cosmetics. A friend of mine, who is a freshman, spends even two-third of her money on her appearance and pursuing fashion. In addition, in the past years, I heard numerous people say that they are the devotees of the Godness of beauty and fashion; I saw people spend lots of money on purchasing fashion magazines and buying whatever makes them look better. These activities, in essence, are a kind of overreaction on their appearance and the fashion.

Finally, people tend to be more and more focusing on others appearance. It is no doubt that people are the victims of circumstances and surroundings, therefore, it is nature for them to desire people around them could have a good appearance and seen comfortably. However, it seems that people have overreacted on this point. For instance, when judging someone, many people do not believe that the pinnacle of exceptional stands on the several pillars like health, honest, industry, kind-hearted, they point out that the appearance is the most involved aspect. So widespread the belief is, as though they irrespective of all other merits. Exceptional goes to those on whom beauty smiles and defeat to those she frowns, or at least appearance is regarded as a vital factor for person.

In conclusion, we have admitted that people have already overreacted on the appearance and pursuing fashion. It is high time that we take measures on this phenomenon, make the information of appearance and fashion just as a role of amusement, experience and relaxation. 结尾不能说people have already。你只要客观的陈述你的观点,然后作些评价。如果改卷的是一个fashion girl呢?


写的越来越好了啊! 一个
没有什么大的问题
句式更加多变,表达更加灵活了。
坚持!
I want you -- I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me, or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him?

Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids?

Were you in it for that young boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage?

Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?


欢迎加入蓝鹰计划这一平凡而伟大的活动--助中国的IBT奋斗者一臂之力。

我们应该努力的学习,努力的奋斗,为了理想,历经千辛万苦,希望失望希望失望希望失望反反复复挣扎,依然不低下高贵的头,这样才能对世界说, My dream is what I get.
                                                               --Jimmy


分手不叫失去,她结婚了,而且还没有告诉你,才是真正的失去

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THANKS~
好久都没有见到你了~
你的意思是叫我把IN CONCLUSION 的第一句改掉?IT IS HIGH TIME 后面的要改吗?
BY THE WAY, 在我的感觉中ETS的人都是中年,微胖,秃顶

[ 本帖最后由 ZOE.COOPER 于 2007-1-1 09:10 编辑 ]

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还有问下这个作文大概可以有多少分?
还有你那个IN AVERAGE打红是什么意思啊?::z7

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引用:
原帖由 ZOE.COOPER 于 2007-1-1 09:03 发表
THANKS~
好久都没有见到你了~
你的意思是叫我把IN CONCLUSION 的第一句改掉?IT IS HIGH TIME 后面的要改吗?
BY THE WAY, 在我的感觉中ETS的人都是中年,微胖,秃顶
不是改掉,是你的结论句会不符合老外的胃口,特别是we should
I want you -- I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me, or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him?

Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids?

Were you in it for that young boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage?

Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?


欢迎加入蓝鹰计划这一平凡而伟大的活动--助中国的IBT奋斗者一臂之力。

我们应该努力的学习,努力的奋斗,为了理想,历经千辛万苦,希望失望希望失望希望失望反反复复挣扎,依然不低下高贵的头,这样才能对世界说, My dream is what I get.
                                                               --Jimmy


分手不叫失去,她结婚了,而且还没有告诉你,才是真正的失去

TOP

引用:
原帖由 ZOE.COOPER 于 2007-1-1 09:13 发表
还有问下这个作文大概可以有多少分?
还有你那个IN AVERAGE打红是什么意思啊?::z7
哪有这样的说法啊?
I want you -- I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me, or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him?

Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids?

Were you in it for that young boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage?

Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?


欢迎加入蓝鹰计划这一平凡而伟大的活动--助中国的IBT奋斗者一臂之力。

我们应该努力的学习,努力的奋斗,为了理想,历经千辛万苦,希望失望希望失望希望失望反反复复挣扎,依然不低下高贵的头,这样才能对世界说, My dream is what I get.
                                                               --Jimmy


分手不叫失去,她结婚了,而且还没有告诉你,才是真正的失去

TOP

引用:
原帖由 benz2015 于 2007-1-1 09:18 发表


不是改掉,是你的结论句会不符合老外的胃口,特别是we should
那要WE'D BETTER是不是要好点啊?

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引用:
原帖由 ZOE.COOPER 于 2007-1-1 09:21 发表

那要WE'D BETTER是不是要好点啊?
用I suggest that.
要表示你提出的是一种建议
即使你是president也不能说we should.(在国会同意之前)
I want you -- I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me, or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him?

Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids?

Were you in it for that young boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage?

Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?


欢迎加入蓝鹰计划这一平凡而伟大的活动--助中国的IBT奋斗者一臂之力。

我们应该努力的学习,努力的奋斗,为了理想,历经千辛万苦,希望失望希望失望希望失望反反复复挣扎,依然不低下高贵的头,这样才能对世界说, My dream is what I get.
                                                               --Jimmy


分手不叫失去,她结婚了,而且还没有告诉你,才是真正的失去

TOP

77% 鼓励!
I want you -- I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me, or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him?

Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids?

Were you in it for that young boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage?

Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?


欢迎加入蓝鹰计划这一平凡而伟大的活动--助中国的IBT奋斗者一臂之力。

我们应该努力的学习,努力的奋斗,为了理想,历经千辛万苦,希望失望希望失望希望失望反反复复挣扎,依然不低下高贵的头,这样才能对世界说, My dream is what I get.
                                                               --Jimmy


分手不叫失去,她结婚了,而且还没有告诉你,才是真正的失去

TOP

引用:
原帖由 benz2015 于 2007-1-1 09:23 发表



用I suggest that.
要表示你提出的是一种建议
即使你是president也不能说we should.(在国会同意之前)
明白~
THANKS~

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